What is my life?

I don't really feel like talking about feels or anything important so this entire post will be dedicated to recent deer in headlight moments- where I literally just don't understand what I am doing.

My favorite gas station employee's name is Karma. Whenever I get Karma I know, life is good. Karma and I call each other friends, and like to throw a casual salute in at each other. He is a pretty big hit between some of my friends and I, and we all love when Karma calls us his friends. Tonight I was alone getting gas, Karma was in front of me attending someone else. I wanted to share Karma with my friends, I thought it be the perfect Sunday night surprise, ya know? I took out my phone aimed at Karma and before I even got my camera open Karma was next to my window...

He bowed to me and said "Are you trying to take a picture of me friend?"

I was mortified..laughed it off, and all I could think is,

WHAT IS MY LIFE?

Today I went shopping with my ma' looking for table cloths. We got really into the search for the best fall looking one. While digging through racks, I realized I should look around my surroundings. Within 10 seconds of looking around I saw FIVE people I went to high school with. I was ashamed, but we did find a really nice fall checker print table cloth..

WHAT IS MY LIFE?

Yesterday at dinner during work I overheard my co-workers saying they were going to the movies. These co-workers are all new and I have known them for three days. I went home and saw a Groupon deal for four tickets for 24 dollars. I don't know why, but I NEEDED to inform them on this. I texted girls I barely know to tell them about a deal on Groupon..

WHAT IS MY LIFE?

Today I watched seven hours of TLC's Sisterwives instead of doing any homework..

WHAT IS MY LIFE?

The other day at work I bent down to tell a group of girls to listen to me. Instead of getting the silence I was expecting, I got a "EW you need to blow your nose"..

WHAT IS MY LIFE?

Yesterday I was at work expecting to work with a group of 10-12 people. The group was 88 people, about eight times more than I was expecting. While I was trying to introduce myself to everyone, I found my eyes watering up. I was so nervous. When the group asked me if I was crying, I lied and said.. No I just have a mosquito in my eye. This made 88 grown adults run around freaking out. City folk don't like mosquitos.

WHAT IS MY LIFE?

My older cousin and I went apple picking. We walked through fields of apples for a hour, bought 25 pounds of apples, and we wanted to pick up some cider and donuts. When we walked over to the store we saw that there was a long line. Instead of waiting the five minute line out, we DROVE thirty five minutes to another apple farm..

WHAT IS MY LIFE?

Fails Happen

I just sat down for the past hour writing a blog post on why today was awful. I had NINETEEN points on how today went wrong. Each point stood for a situation that did not go the way I wanted. I don't know about you, but nineteen is a lot. Rereading the list I felt sorry for myself all over again. I realized that all the points were because I have been so unorganized and letting myself go. I've been lazy, and allowing myself quit sooner than I should. The list, every single one, was because of me.  I was the reason that today was so awful.The world was not against me, I was against me. Isn't that crazy? I was so down all day because of myself. Perspective is crazy man. 

So now I'm sitting in the dark with four candles burning trying to get my mojo back. I was pretty bummed when I realized I did this to myself. But then a plot twist occurred on this situation. The world does not hate me! I hated me for the day and had such a negative attitude. I quit way too soon and should have stuck the day out. I also can't be too upset that I let this happen or else I'm doing the same thing on a grander scale. I just have to chill and reorganize some aspects in my life (mainly my attitude,room, car, planner, and folders.. so everything). Things will be alright as long as I let them. This may sound repetitive to my post the other day, but it's a learning process- it's okay to forget that I'm in control of life.

So to counteract my negative thoughts earlier I'm going to post points on why today was lovely:

I got to wear my green pants, I love green pants.

I received a second job offer.

I had a good night sleep last night.

I somehow managed to do everything on time.

I was going to aim to make ten lovely things that happend for today, but I'm really not going to force it. 

Anyways this blog has literally turned into a giant pep talk for myself, but sometimes that's what you need to do. 

You do what you gotta do.

Nouns

Today as I was typing a paper on myself describing my gender I was stuck. I could not decide if I identify as a boy or girl. Just kidding, I wasn't stuck on which gender I am (not that it be any surprise if I was these classes are playing mind games with me with all these socially constructed aspects) but I was stuck on which noun to refer to myself as. So while I was typing and deleting and going back & fourth between two words, woman and girl, I felt like Brit Spears. I don't think society, or my professor, would think of me as a "girl", but I don't think my peers, or myself, would think of me as a "woman". 

In my head I've always thought there is a certain point where people are clearly women, I am definitely not there yet.  Woman to me is just so adult like, and I know I am for sure missing some adult qualities.

Adults pay for their own gas... vs. me who drives home (2 hours) once a week, just so I can mooch money from my parents

Adults can cook healthy meals... vs. me who sometimes eats 3 kraft singles and potato chips for dinner

Adults are able to make phone calls... vs. me who cannot for the life of me call an organization back for a job I actually want

Adults know they are adults... vs. me who constantly refers to myself as a baby

Basically the moral of the story is that along with life and everything else, I don't even know what noun I am. 

..So I obviously wrote the entire paper referring to myself as girl, because I didn't want to lie to myself, and calling myself a woman just felt icky.

That's all.

Creating Happiness

All day today was full of laughs, and happy family time. Our closest cousin, brother, and I went hiking, had snacks, took pictures, and had a long car ride. All things I genuinely love, with people I love too. Great, right? I thought so too.

After winding on roads in upstate New York for two hours looking at trees and waterfalls we got back to my house. I was greeted by 6 puppies, loving me. Literally they were all just begging to love me. Thinking I was at my highest point, I thought I'd check my Facebook and see how many of my friends wanted to admire me to continue my high. There was a message, I was pumped! A friend obviously wanted to tell me how great I was or maybe invite me to do fun best friend events. No. Instantly when I saw who it was from I was upset, anxious, and just wanted to crawl up and cry.

This message,in the moment, ruined my perfect hiking/puppy day. 

Typing that seems pretty dramatic, which luckily happens to be a word that I would say represents my thoughts and actions at times. In that moment my day was destroyed. To be fair, the message wasn't anything mean, it was just answers to pity questions*. Recently I've decided to call quits on trying on a relationship/friendship with one of my closest friends (ex-closest friend?). This makes me seem pretty strong.. but I was actually receiving the silent treatment hard core, so I had absolutely no choice. I think it actually took me too long to decide to move on, especially since I have no other choice..duh. But I did it, and this reminder of this person hit me hard? I don't know. Probably because I have been toying with ideas of us getting back together- it's not going to happen, he hasn't talked to me in months, if he wanted this to work it be working. So why did I let such a casual interaction do so much bad. 

So I did what any emotional girl would do.. sulked and ate a fourth meal (bagel) for some comfort. After that, and lots of puppy kisses, I was able to talk myself out of my temporary funk, also my brother told me to get my life together, but whatever. I decided I was going to take over my mood. I know people say that all the time, that you are in control of your happiness. It always sounds insanely cliche, but cliches are cliches for a reason. If you want to be sad, you can be sad.. If you want to be happy, and feel good about life, you can do that too. Nobody else controls that, they're just outside factors. You get to decide. This is actually pretty fantastic. Especially for me, because I'm at the point where I want to be happy! So guess what  I will be.

Point is, why should you ever let one dumb event ruin a lovely day?? Answer is YOU SHOULDN'T.

So after my sulk hour (I lied earlier, totally was more that 30 minutes) I put on my running shoes and took my little baby for a hike. We drove to the local park, which was a task in itself. The puppy has not been in a car, and was terrified to get in. As soon as I would pick him up his legs would tighten up and getting a four-legged creature into a small door when they're in stun-mood is really really difficult. Once we got to the park there was NOBODY there. Let me tell you it was perfect park day, so locals you were missing out. Anyways since the lack of park goers  I let the little one loose and watched him run free. He has a little swagger to him, and it's adorable. There were at least 50 geese, and my guy was totally up for a battle. You simply cannot be sad while watching a puppy chase birds, it's hilarious. I also could not be sad, because I was kinda terrified one would hurt my friend. While leaving we ran into the park ranger, who I thought was going to be a grump. Turk could not stop staring him down, he literally was paralyzed just staring this large man down. The man looked at my leash-less dog, and stared back. Then in the littlest baby voice he said "hewwo puppyy". Proof everyone loves pups. We drove back home, and somehow every problem I had was okay.

I'm grateful that even though things will upset me, I'm learning that I control how I let things impact me. I could easily sulk the whole night, but that's the easy way out. I like being happy, I like laying in bed blogging happy things, I like being able to listen to sad songs without crying, I like smiling, I like days that I get to spend with two of my best friends, and most of all I like puppies.

I just want to post this for my future self, because although this blog is dedicated for figuring things out in my twenties, I also want to record things I successfully figure out. This is pretty fool proof, and although sometimes you want to be sad and miserable, it's not worth it. One person communicating with me should not bother me. I don't want little things to ruin perfect days. To be honest I would like every day to be a perfect day.

Life is good.

*For the past month I have been sending little Facebook messages over and over again in hopes to get answers ex:..I have money for you/ I have your stuff/ Ooops you're still a reference on my resume/ Can I have my nesting dolls back? I thought these questions were NECESSARY FOR SURVIVAL but I've been reading It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken and these were all just desperate attempts at getting attention. So what I like attention. Oops.  (After this I did delete him off every social media site.. he did the same, I think it bothered me more..) OOOPS.

X.

Goals are hard

Setting goals is really really really intimidating. No matter how hard I try I just can't tell if something is realistic or if I'm setting myself up for failure- I know that's a really negative way to think and a PP (positive Peggy) would never say that. It be like when I make a to do list on a Monday with more than 5 tasks on it, they never get done, and then at the end of the day I just sulk at what a fail I am. With this list I want to be setting myself up for success.. pushing myself a little, but also keeping my emotions in mind.

This isn't my first time trying to make goals. When I was a freshman in college I tried to make a life altering list as well. I didn't decide to do this on my own, and I'm actually 100% sure the speaker at the conference encouraged most of my goals. So to call it my goal list might not be correct. The speaker was really inspirational, we were at a religious conference. He was going on and on how God has a plan, but sometimes we have to take a hold of our lives. I'm actually not really sure what he was saying, but the way he was saying it sounded so inspiring. The speaker gave us a huge speech how right there in that moment we should make up 3 goals to work for. I don't really think that was fair, I can never make any type of decision ever including which drink I want from Panera (it's either Green Tea or water), so I don't think him giving me 15 minutes to plan my goals was cool, but I understand he was trying to prove a point. At the end of his sermon he asked if anyone wanted to share their goals. They all went up and ambitiously shared theirs with the 200+ people in the room. I know a lot said they wanted to improve their relationships with God, change the world, or even become the president. I recently found mine on my iPhone note pad and laughed at how simple they were.

1.Transfer college.. I really thought the college I choose first was the reason why I hate college, but to be honest I just hate college.  Regardless, I did transfer and complete this goal.
2.Get a summer job at a camp.. This is so random, but I'm so happy I did do this goal. I winded up working with my best friend for 2 summers and also was able to realize I love working with kids. I also love being tan. Perks.
3.Learn karate.. I did not ever complete this goal. I believe this goal was pushed onto me when I could not think of one. I'm not sure if this is accurate, but I picture the speaker saying "You could put anything down, just have 3 goals, maybe you want to learn karate..." Sold.

I don't know if this is just me, but making this list made me feel really grateful. This list is entirely about me, and everything I want to do. I don't have to worry about kids, or significant others. The purpose of this list is all about me and what I want to do to make myself happy. I believe being selfish is a perk that comes along with being 20, I know it can't last forever (It could, but then I'd probably be a sucky person- I don't want to be a sucky person). At first I divided this list into 2 sections, a short term list (Fall Semester) and a longer term list (2013-2014), but I just decided to combine the lists and when they happen, they'll happen-

20 year old goals:
1. Become a better mentor for the kids I work with. Focus on them and not the time requirements.
2. Run 80 miles by the 2nd weekend in October in order to get my Penny Board.
3. Get more involved with college.
4. Look for a job upstate, but only accept it if you like it.
5. Make a new friend, who you actually enjoy.
6. If you want to do something, look into it. If it looks possible do it.
7. Learn how to rock climb- or at least try.
8. If something takes less than 10 minutes, get it done ASAP, don't wait.
9. Find my way back to church and get re-develop a relationship with homie J.
10. I'm single- accept it.
11. Don't over think situations in the past, you did what you did, it's okay!
12. LEARN HOW TO STOP ON YOUR ROLLER BLADES HOMIE!!!
13. Go golfing with Gramps.
14. Take Turk for walks weekly.
15. Work hard in school, so you can finish sooner (;
16. Work out more, a lot more.
17. Worry less- there's other ways to show you care.
18. Do something awesome in the summer that involves traveling.
19. Do something awesome in the summer that involves getting paid.
20. Figure out when you will be graduating.
21. Figure out if Peace Corps. is what you want.
22. Learn karate*
23. Consider talking to advisors to help decide what I want.
24. Save money.
25. Get closer with brother- you wont live so close forever.
26. Get TEFL or ESL certification.
27. Kayak much.
28. Look into national volunteer trips.
29. Learn how to ski better.
30. Be open to ideas and people.
31. Stop referring to myself as creepy and bitter.
32. Embrace that I have one best friend, rather than 10 close friends.
33. Explore the East coast, you wont live here forever!
34. Tackle hills on my board.
35. Stand up paddle board.

This list came out a lot longer than I wanted it to be, it's crazy to compare this to my 3 I wrote a few years ago. I want to work on feeling like I'm a better person. I'm fairly certain I'm not a horrible person, but I want to feel confident in knowing that I'm okay. I also realize this list turned really creepy mid-writing it and I just could not stop. I think I was writing this for my future self, so I kept writing "you". I  like it, because this is a list for me.. also because nobody will read this.

* This time I actually want to learn karate and be successful. This doesn't even have to be karate, just some type of self defense. I have been reading blogs on people in the Peace Corps., or people who even just teach English abroad. I feel like a common thing they say is that women are oppressed and treated a lot differently abroad. This makes total sense, but I want to be able to feel comfortable. So this time on the list.. is actually serious.

That's all.

The First

I'm not entirely too sure on what I plan on doing with this blog..

I find myself never knowing what I want in life. There are so many choices, and I don't know how to pick which is best. I don't think there ever has to be one specific choice, and I'm not going to try and limit myself to just one, all I want is a little more thought into my decisions. 

My plan for this blog is to take the time and think about the things I'm not sure of. Ultimately this is going to be a giant blog of "I Don't Knows". I don't know if this will help, but in my head if I take the time daily to sit down and actually think about things life will play out better? Currently I'm using the method of pushing things that confuse me away and just forgetting about them until they figure themselves out. It works, but lately I have decided that I want a lifestyle where I'm in control of what happens to me. My goal is that writing will help me figure things out, or at least make me feel a little more hands on in my own life.

I don't want this to turn into a giant repeat of middle school where I post long passionate posts about my uneventful life, but if that does happen I think I'll be alright.

I want to keep up with this and actually follow through with something for once. I think if this is done right I will have something to help me decide life choices, and if it's done poorly at least I'll have something to laugh about when I'm older. Hopefully then if I'm reading this all my uncertainties will be figured out? But maybe not.

X.